Supporting Bereaved Parents in a Pandemic

How To Show Up

When you can’t be there.

One of the questions I am asked most frequently by someone whose loved one is grieving is, “what can I do??” My short answer is always the same: “be there.”

When our son died, our community rallied behind us.

Before he was even born, family and friends were showing up to love us in ways we didn’t even know we needed. My husband’s family brought us meals and took our oldest for walks and to the park. One aunt brought over my favourite zucchini cake and the other one brought loaves of her famous raisin bread. Our friends brought us ink pads and a special ornament so that we could get our son’s footprints, and sat with us while we cried for hours. My mom and sister flew in and stayed for a week, cleaning house, dressing our daughter, and just generally keeping what was left of our little family alive and functioning.

But what happens when a baby dies during a pandemic? How do we, as friends and family members, support our loved ones during this era of social distancing? How can we be there, when we can’t even be there?

Though it may take a more concentrated effort these days, it is still very possible - and arguably even more necessary - to support the bereaved parents in our lives. And regardless of whether you live on the same block or in another country, the following is a list of practical ways that we can support loved ones who are grieving, in our current climate, and beyond.

1. Reach Out

The first thing and most obvious thing you can do to support a bereaved loved one at this time is the same thing you’d do if we weren’t in the middle of a global pandemic: simply reach out. Let them know you’re thinking of them, that you’re hurting for them, and that you are there for them, even if you can’t be there for them. Call, text, email, video chat… Find a way to get or stay in touch so that they know they are not alone.

2. Listen

When you do reach out, make sure you’re ready to listen when they talk. And I mean really listen. Fight the urge to give them advice or try to solve their problems, but instead practice active listening and holding space for them and their emotions. Doing this means hearing what they’re saying, without passing any sort of judgement on what they are feeling or why they are feeling that way, offering only love and compassion in return. When humans grieve they experience a vast array of emotions - from sadness and confusion to anger and guilt. Giving each of these emotions the space we need to in order to process them properly is an essential part of the grieving process. Be their sounding board, and reflect only love.

3. Offer Resources

If they haven’t already reached out for support, offer to connect them with resources. This could be in the form of support groups or charity organizations like ours, a list of local counselors or therapists, a friend who has “been there,” a book or a website that addresses child loss, etc. Be sure not to overwhelm them with options, as they likely already feel like they’re lost or drowning. Reaching out and really listening before offering resources will ensure that you really are helping and not simply adding one more thing for them “to do” - the last thing they need is to take on the task of wading through extensive lists of resources trying to figure out which one(s) they need. Help them take those first steps.

4. Send Cards/Letters

One of the gestures that is often most treasured by parents facing the death of their baby is receiving cards, letters, custom artwork, and other such tangible items. Having small, physical tokens of your love that they can place inside a baby book or memory box, to look back on through the years, will remind them that they were never truly alone, even though it may have felt that way.

5. Feed Them

Although personally delivering a meal may not be an option for everyone at this time, there are likely plenty of local restaurants and businesses offering meal delivery services. Organizing a meal train will keep them fed, prevent dishes and kitchen clean up from needing to be done, and keep them from having to go to the grocery store as often, a task that is stressful for right now at the best of times…

There are several free websites that can help with this, which allow people to “sign up” for specific dates, or you can coordinate directly with family and friends. In either case, it is important to schedule food deliveries to prevent the family from alternating between too many prepared meals and none.

6. Buy Groceries

Even if meals are being provided, the family will still need essential groceries. Milk, eggs, bread, fresh fruit and veggies, coffee… All of these items will still need to be picked up. Consider sending them your own grocery list and asking them to indicate which items they are also in need of. Anything to make the process easier and make them feel like less of a burden. Even though you know they aren’t a burden, chances are that is how they will feel, so presenting them with fewer opportunities to refuse your help, is definitely helpful.

7. Yard Care

Some people need to keep their hands busy while they are grieving. If shoveling the walk is something that is helpful to their mental state, by all means, let them do it! But if they mention having difficulty keeping up with these types of tasks, offer to help. Better yet, show up the morning after a snowfall with your own shovel in hand and simply do it.

8. Childcare

Obviously this one only applies to families with surviving siblings, and will be exceedingly more difficult during the current pandemic. However, difficult does not mean impossible! If they are old enough, arrange a video chat with your niece/nephew/grandchild. By giving them a little bit of one on one attention, you’ll take just a bit of the pressure off their parents for those few minutes. You’ll also help give these children a small sense of normalcy, as opportunities to connect with the outside world are few and far between these days…

9. Show Them You Miss Their Baby, Too

Whenever possible in your interactions with bereaved parents, show them that their baby matters. If you have been thinking of their baby, tell them so. Use their name whenever possible, ask to see pictures (when applicable/appropriate), tell them your favourite memory (again, where applicable), etc. As bereaved parents, you’re not reminding us our babies died. This is a truth as inescapable as our love for them. By speaking about our children, you’re telling us that although they are gone they are not forgotten. You are telling us that their brief little lives matter beyond the walls of our own homes, which is especially important now, when our entire existences seem to be confined within them.

10. Memorial Gifts

Another way you can show them you are remembering their babies is to invest in a memorial gift: name a star, buy a map of the stars the night their baby was born, order them a piece of memorial jewelry, make a donation to a charity in their baby’s name, perform an act of kindness, etc. It doesn’t have to be a big act to make a big impact, and show your loved one that you care.

11. Check In

The first days and weeks are likely going to be filled with support, especially as we are all adjusting to this period of isolation and looking for ways to fill our time. As the days and weeks pass, it’s obviously very natural for friends and family to “move on” sooner than their loved ones will move through their grieving process. As the support starts to taper off, remember to check in with them on a regular basis. If you’re the type of person - like me! - who tends to be forgetful despite the best of intentions, it may be worth putting an “appointment” in your phone to remind yourself to touch base with them on a semi-regular basis. There’s a very good chance they’ll be dealing with a whole new set of emotions, having a bad day, or simply in need of a momentary distraction.

12. Don’t Try to Fix Them

This last one may come as a surprise in a post about supporting loved ones through grief, but trust me, it’s important.

When someone we love is hurting, we want to help. We want to take away their pain, to make them feel better. The problem with grief is that no one can take it away from us. Grief is a universal human experience, and we must move through it, not around it. The unfortunate reality is that no matter how much we want to, none of these suggestions are going to make them stop hurting or missing their beloved babies.

Because grief is love.

It is simply love with no place to go.

We can’t make our loved ones stop missing their babies any more than we can make them stop loving them. What we can do, is love them through their grief and pain.

A beautiful mama told me recently, “it’s hard being loved from a distance.” And she’s right; it is. It is so, so hard. It’s hard and it’s unnatural and it’s unfair. But what’s worse, even, than being loved from a distance is not being loved, regardless of the distance.